Free EFCT De-Escalation Quick Guide for Therapists
Go from āI don't know how to get my couples out of Stage 1ā to āMy couples are finally able to go deeper safely, and the work of repair has begun.ā
If youāre an EFCT therapist who leaves sessions thinking, āWe just talked in circles for 50 minutesā¦ are we actually de-escalating?ā this guide is for you.
I created a Stage 1 De-Escalation Quick Guide to help you know what to track, what to say, and how to tell when youāre actually moving the cycle instead of just narrating chaos.
You know this model is for you. You took the trainings, you know the steps, you even know what to say! BUT when you get into session you feel just as lost as your couple once they start getting sucked into the pain of their disconnection.
You try validating and deepening but then the other partner get's offended by you validating their partner and you feel like you have to repair with them. Then that repair turns into the first partner getting offended by you and how did we even get here?!
Our escalated couple is quick to attack and once they get on a roll you feel helpless to watch the boxing match begin. You think "I need to step! But you're afraid you won't know where to go once you do."
You can't tell the difference between a protective move and real vulnerability and you accidentally focus on aspects that perpetuate their cycle. What do we focus on and what do we deepen?
You need to know what it looks like when a couple is ready for Stage 2 and what anchor moves are needed to keep the sessions on track.
All in a short, printable PDF you can keep next to you during sessions.
Brief and clear explanation of Stage 1
How to spot a content spiral (and step out of it)
How to ācatch the bulletā when a partner hides an attack (w/ my 5 move sequence)
Telling the difference: protective move vs real vulnerability
How to build alliance & trust with highāconflict couples
How to know youāre ready to move from Stage 1 to Stage 2
Ten phrases you can use in your Stage 1 sessions
Two anchor moves that keep the session on track
(and why I'm sharing it for free)
When I first started using EFCT, I genuinely felt like I was failing my couples.
I believed in the model. I could recite the stages and steps. But in the room, with real couples, Stage 1 felt endless. Weād talk about the same fights, the same content, the same pursuer/withdrawer danceā¦ and Iād leave wondering if I was actually helping or just narrating chaos with fancier language.
The part that frustrated me the most?
I had no idea what the experts were actually doing in session that made it work.
Fast forward: I invested in supervision, watched tape, re-read everything, and slowly pieced together the moves that actually shift the cycle. I created this guide first for my own braināso I had something concrete to hold onto when sessions got hot.
Now Iām a Certified EFCT therapist, supervisor, and trainer, and Iāve watched my couples go from āyouāre our last stop before divorceā to āweāre more connected than weāve ever been.ā
Iām sharing this guide so you donāt have to reinvent the wheel at 8 p.m. with cold coffee and tears. You deserve scaffolding while youāre getting your reps in.
Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFCT)
Supervisor and trainer for therapists learning the model
Founder of The Better Relationship, where I create tools, consultation spaces, and Skills Labs for EFCT therapists
Still in the therapy room every week with real, messy couplesāso everything I teach is battle-tested, not hypothetical
My sweet spot is helping therapists move from āI love this model but I feel like an imposterā to āI know what Iām doing, even in Stage 1.ā
You've got questions. I've got answers.
Itās completely free. Youāll enter your email, get the PDF, and then Iāll send occasional EFCT tips, tools, and info about consultation/Skills Labs if you want more support.
No. If youāve done the externship, are in Core Skills, or are self-studying EFCT and seeing couples, this guide will help. Itās written for therapists who already know the basics but feel stuck in application.
This guide is for therapists, not couples. Itās about how you think and work in Stage 1. It's the same teaching I use with my trainee's.
Itās a short PDF you can read on your device or print and keep next to your notes during sessions.
I wish. š This wonāt replace supervision or training, but it will give you concrete handles so youāre not trying to puzzle everything out alone.
Start progressing through Stage 1 today. Your couples (and your self-confidence) will thank you.